High school was not fun for me. I was in a new state and town, and I didn’t know anyone. Plus, I had to adjust to public school – I came from 9 years of Catholic School. Thus, fitting in and making friends, while also trying to be cool, was exhausting. The styles were so different than what I was accustomed to. Everyone seemed to know each other and were already in cliques. They seemed to have a great sense of style and were cool. I feel for kids that must move at such a pivotal time in their lives. Adolescence is already difficult; this makes it worse.
However, my home life at this point was not great either. We were in a new state and did not have any extended family nearby. To make it worse, there were constant conflicts between my mom, sister, and myself. My mom got a new job as a gas station cashier – something she never did. However, her English wasn’t great, and she never worked in retail, so it was extremely difficult. She must have had multiple nervous breakdowns, but she did it. My sister was pregnant, and her delinquent boyfriend came with us. There was so much fuel for the fire. Fights and shouting matches were constantly occurring. Plus, we were always on the brink of being homeless.
Nevertheless, my mom worked 60 hours a week and would take as much overtime as they would allow her to work. I also started working almost immediately at the gas station and would put in 16 hours every weekend. That didn’t give me much time for anything else. For example, the first Christmas in the new state was so depressing since we didn’t have a tree, and I had to work the night shift, with my sister, the night before (the 24th). At the time I didn’t think life would get any better.
My sister never contributed to household finances. Sometimes she would leave after a brutal fight with my mom. My mom always would take her back despite my objections. This will be a reoccurring pattern for the next 20 years. My sister could never get her life together, and my mom was always there to pick up the pieces.
The only thing I had was a dream for something better. It was this dream that made me want to get up in the morning. School was the only way to realize that dream. I did not want to spend the rest of my life working in a gas station.
Inner city schools are very different than what you see in movies, which are suburban and predominately white. There were the thugs – Latino, Black, and Asian! It was the first time I was exposed to gangs. Up until this point I only saw them in the movies. I was not the thug type, so I stayed away from them. For me nerdy topics like science were much more attractive. Reading and learning new things brought me joy.
Luckily, the school had an electronics program. It has always been my dream to make microchips. I used to love taking apart TVs, VCRs, and other electronic devices to see what they were made of. I would memorize all the component manufacturers. Sony made all their own chips and components. But Hitachi was the big dawg (in the 80s). I found most of their components in everything from VCRs, radios, and toasters. They even made the components for other manufacturers.
I imagined a future where I would have a company that made its own chips. Naturally, this type of thinking did not make me popular. I don’t know many girls that want to date electronic geeks. It seemed to me that the better you did in class, the least you were liked. One silver lining is that unlike predominantly white schools, inner city schools don’t have any bullies. The thugs stick to themselves. When there were fights, there were many, they were amongst each other. It was mostly over turf or drugs or even girls.
I was a Nerd but a total slacker. I never studied or did homework but did well on tests and classes. Some of my teachers called me out for the lack of homework! My reasoning was “why do it if I can get good grades on the test”. This kind of thinking would come and haunt me later. I did not have good study habits and that is a bad thing. Natural ability can only take you so far. Sometimes you must learn the hard way.
Nevertheless, I really enjoyed science and technology. I loved learning about circuits and electricity. Electronics was the only class where I would do homework. I really wanted to impress the teacher. I built speakers and remote-control cars. We had to test and solder all the components before assembling. This was my jam.
This leads to higher education and college. Many of my teachers wanted me to go. My electronics teacher thought I was a shoe-in. I loved the idea but feared the thought of trying and failing. What if I’m not as smart as I thought? What if it’s too hard? There is a constant internal struggle for self-identity we all face. This part was difficult for me since I was not surrounded by college educated people. Finding my identity is part of my journey.
I had another problem attending college – my class rank wasn’t that great, and we had no money and no car. I couldn’t live there or commute. This was exacerbated by the fact that I had to help my mom with the bills by working all weekend. How could I go to college? The Army recruiters would frequently come to our school and make a wonderful case to join. I must admit I felt this was my only way out. I felt stuck.
On the one hand, I had my mom that wanted the best for me and wanted me to stay to help with my little brother and work with her. On the other hand, she was also very smothering and was afraid of me doing anything. Plus, I had very little friends. Thus, the Army was a no brainer. It was an escape.
The main takeaway here is that we should stay true to ourselves. I never tried to be a thug or pretended to be a gangster to get ‘cred’ or girls. I always knew what I wanted to become, even if it wasn’t popular.
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